The bottom fell out...

I knew it would. I witnessed it before with Wade, read up on it in my required adoption training, heard tale of others who have trekked this road before us. The newness and excitement of the day before gave way to shadows and darkness of the night as we all slept. And Jing Mei woke up, no longer enticed by the clothes we bought, or the excitement of the new, but tired and lonely and fed up with the whole idea of us becoming her family. I could feel the stirring and unease, read it on her face and I tried smiling more, laughing more (laughing is universal, right?), and using the translator to reassure her for the 100th time that she would learn English fast and make lots of new friends and have a wonderful, happy life with us in the US. But I knew it was the start of grief. And all we could/can do is wade right through it with her. Just like before, when we adopted Wade, I waited for the full force of the grief to hit like a tsunami...and it did.

She was very quiet at breakfast. Compliant, but distant. The bounce in her step-gone:( We walked around the busy streets a little before we had to meet the guide to head back to the home office and sign the "official" papers. The ones we signed yesterday were for this sort of "guardianship" period---I guess where, we have 24 hours to change our mind and choose not to adopt her.  Evidently, that happens more than I would have imagined. Sad:( I don't know if people come with expectations for immediate skipping off into the sunset, and when instead, they are met with kids who are angry or resentful of them---they think, "ok, this isn't what I signed up for. Never mind." Who knows the whys. But I think it is important for people who are going to adopt to hear this side of adoption from families that have been there.  I am not sure why, but I think it is somewhat shrouded in secrecy because we think that if we are truly transparent about the messy parts of this process---that people will avoid adoption---or maybe it just doesn't fit in the beautiful picture of adoption that we want to create. "Kid was abandoned, or parents died. Child is living in a social welfare institute and languishes each day, waiting for mom and dad. Mom and Dad rescue them from the painful existence as an orphan---and the child is eternally grateful."

That may happen in some instances, but that is not the way it played out for Wade, and I am seeing that it will not be like that for Jing Mei. After breakfast, we headed to the home office as they call it, to end the "guardianship" period, and make the adoption permanent.  When we got to the office and sat down at the same desk she had been so bubbly at the day before---she put her head down. And I knew...the waves were coming.  We asked her if she was okay, and she wouldn't look up. And first the quiet tears came, then the shaking of the body that finally gave way to full blown sobbing. And my heart broke bc I knew that this had to happen. There was no way around the grief process--the loss of what is familiar.  I patted her back and waited for any invitation that I could hug her.  She tensed at the pat, so I waited. Finally, though I just couldn't stand it and I had to wrap my arms around her. So I did--and she let me, although I am not entirely sure she wanted me to. The guide came in and began to try and console her. We all did. To no avail. We took a family photo---her eyes were swollen and her hair messy and it broke my heart. But I have been through this before, and I know there is a light to the end of this long, dark tunnel. And God will perfect and accomplish all that He begins and He is in this. When we adopted Wade over three years ago, he was so angry. He wasn't sobbing...he was all out angry! He would turn around in his chair and refuse to acknowledge us at the table in China, he would not pose with us for family pics, he even threw things, and yelled goodness knows what---I would not have wanted a translator for some of the things that came out of his mouth! It was exhausting, that trip to adopt him.  And I can tell you, that whatever you deal with or encounter regarding your child while still in China completing the process, or in the first few weeks and months at home---is truly NOT an indicator of their personality. They are grieving and grief comes out in many different ways.  It is NOT personal--so my job is to stay focused on Christ and stay on my knees in prayer for my child---my sweet child that did not come from my womb, but has been given to me just the same. I will have to work hard to earn her love and trust. I don't automatically get it from her bc I am handing mine out. Even if a kid says, "Yeah, I want a mom and a dad. Yeah, I would like to go to the US.", that does not mean that when it begins to play out, that they will comprehend any of it as a good thing. This is the part about older child adoptions that is JUST REALLY HARD. It took about twenty minutes of talking with her to coax her out of the home office. She would not get up from her chair. I think she was hoping that if she just refused to leave the seat, that maybe she could just go back to the orphanage---the only home she has ever known---and the place where everyone speaks her language. The guide kept speaking with her, trying to soothe her, but to no avail. She wasn't budging.  Finally, the mother in me asked the guide to step out and let me deal with it. Keep in mind, we have no internet connection at the home office, so, I can't actually translate anything I want to say in Chinese and I have asked the only person that can, to leave. Don, Chloe, and I were in the room and I began to try to make motions and somehow explain through gestures that we need to go. That she can be sad and cry, but continuing to sit in this chair won't change anything.  She gets up after a minute or two and what the guide cannot convince her to do in 20 minutes time, she does of her own will after a few stumbling motions and gestures from this woman and this man that are now called "mom" and "dad". She gets in the van and I breathe a sigh of relief, but I know all too well, that this is just one of many waves to come. A small, but brief victory. We are all quiet on the drive back to the hotel and when we arrive she gets out. We stand and talk to the guide and driver for a minute---well, not so much the driver bc he does not speak a lick of English and all of the sudden, we see her head back to the van.  She is motioning that she wants back in---and bless her heart, I realize she is desperately wanting to change this story. I don't know if she was telling him to take her back to the home office or back to her orphanage, but she looked very determined. And the driver and guide began talking to her and I felt the wave crashing.  And I prayed over her, over us silently as they conversed. She finally agreed to head inside the hotel, but not without the driver. Keep in mind--she had just met this driver! But for whatever reason, he was a comfort to her and to us. And this man, that spoke not a lick of English became my hero as he walked her all the way to the elevator, got on the elevator and rode it up with us to the 19th floor and all the way to our room. I was beginning to think he might stay with us and at what point that would be awkward, but he waved goodbye to her as we walked in our room and said something to her in Chinese, and headed off.  It is interesting to note, that he was not supposed to be our driver today. He was the brother of the driver we have this week, but was sick today-so he asked his brother to fill in. Funny how God is in the details...So we breathed another sigh of relief and rested between waves. Again, unlike when you adopt a young child, we can't distract her with a trinket, or silly antics...although we still try....she was curled up on the bed earlier refusing to talk to us. Don kept asking her if she would like to do this, or that, and for about 20 minutes all she would say to any/all questions was "no." Then, out of desperation, I guess, he asked if she would like to see him dance. For some reason, that peaked her interest and she said, "yes". So Don put on "Shake it Off" by Taylor Swift and began dancing. In the hotel room. And Chloe and I joined him. And she peeked her head out from under the covers and watched this crazy new family of hers dance.  It was like some sort of release of tension and emotion and silliness. We danced, and danced...and we are NOT dancers. And she smiled. And we took the moment as a victory---however small.  At one point...a little later, Don did something else that made her laugh---I can't even remember what it was, but she burst out laughing, and then the laugh turned slowly into this cry. Like somehow she had betrayed herself by laughing:(

I have a feeling I will be reaching out for prayers and I myself will be leaning on God's Word the way I should every day anyways.  I share all of this with you because we need prayers. But also, again, so that I can be transparent with those considering adoption. This is a race of endurance. When you adopt an older child, you have committed to have your life altered as you know it. It is not a convenient road, it is not a smooth road--it is bumpy and hard, and your wheels break off and your lungs give way to the intensity of the climb, but the view at the top is worth it!! I didn't know I had a Chinese son named Wade four years ago waiting for me in China. And when we were in China bringing him home, I was literally just trying to survive all the failed expectations I had for he and I. But I can tell you, I love him with a hard fought love now. I miss him when he is not around---he is my son. And the anger he went through the first year pales in comparison to the blessing he is as a son and brother.  I know this ---and so I am aware that all that we go through with Jing Mei right now will pale in comparison to the gifts her life will bring to our family down the road---and even now in the midst of the grief.

Keep us in your prayers---more than anything, pray that we would be faithful to call upon the Lord and walk in faith and not weary of what we are doing here.