Mom's Post

It is kind of an assumed thing that when you adopt, you have a blog. Even the grant organizations for adoptions will ask you the name of your blog when you are filling out applications. I remember kind of being frustrated, thinking, gosh, if everybody has a blog they expect people to read, and everybody is sitting around reading blogs all day or wanting people to read theirs---isn't that kind of self-absorbed??

Still, I knew we would need to update close family and friends, and because I continued to feel the slight pressure to do so, I was kind of relieved when Chloe said she would like to do all our posting. Don't get me wrong, blogs can be great things, but my fear is that it would come off as a showcase to our family, or an "oh, look how great we are and this wonderful thing we are doing". Honestly, I still would be happy to pass every entry along to my daughter, because I want no part of anything that attempts to bring the focus off of God and onto human effort. There is really nothing special about our family or our ability to parent our children, or anything that would set us apart from others except that we are believers, flawed and in need of God's grace and mercy daily. Even as I write this, I think about friends and family that may read this and from my viewpoint, are much more equipped than I am to this ministry of adoption. Sometimes, I think, "Really God? You would lay this on our heart, on my heart??? But I am unorganized, impatient, constantly failing--constantly stumbling over the same sins and like a kid, either hiding my face from God in shame over these same battles I struggle with, or promising God I will be better tomorrow. A better wife, a better mom, a better friend, a better child of God. I know, I know...maybe those thoughts aren't biblical, or maybe they are "works-based" or legalistic, but still--they are my struggles. My DAILY struggle. And so knowing this--I had put this down along with a list of reasons why I should NOT adopt. That, along with finances, and having a large family already. And so, I began making the process of adoption centered on "me" instead of the wonderful, beautiful children that need a home and family, and the God that calls us to provide that.

In my attempt to be super humble about my qualifications or lack thereof to adopt an orphan--I almost missed out on adopting our son Wade. And in my attempt to be "humble" and not do a blog, someone might miss hearing what GOD is doing and HAS done in the heart of this family and in the miracle of the whole process. The truth is, I dislike blogging GREATLY...but if God uses it for just ONE family's heart to be tugged on, it is worth one hundred families mistaking my blogs for any other intent.

Any time I post, at any point, (I will go ahead and write the disclaimer now:), it is for the sole purpose of encouraging and stirring others on to adopt. There are families, a wife, a husband, maybe both that are reading this RIGHT NOW and they have a child waiting on them somewhere. A child that didn't come from their own bodies, but was created by God to be their child, nonetheless. Even as I type this, i have families flashing through my mind that I hope will open their hearts to the calling of adoption. They have seen it play out in our family with Wade over the past three years, and will watch this new chapter unfold as Jing Mei becomes part of us and we become part of her.

My desire is to always be transparent---for those of you that know us well, we adopted Wade when he was seven. This little guy came to us with memories, and anger built up from being left by his biological mom at a train station, being stuck in a special education class because no one wanted to take the time to realize he needed hearing aids and glasses, and living in an institutional setting that treated him like a number. Its amazing to me, as I look back, those first few weeks, months, year---that we expected him to have this automatic, built-in gratefulness for what we had done. That he would immediately have this unwavering love, gratitude, and thankfulness because we "rescued" him. Instead, we had a little person with baggage heavier than any seven-year-old or adult for that matter, should ever have to carry. Instead of thank you, we got screams of "I hate you" in Chinese, or the silent treatment, or even refusal to acknowledge us completely! And I am embarrassed to say, it made me mad. You see, what I had pictured of adoption was a "self-centered" reason for adopting---it was not intentional, but still, even in the midst of God calling me to do it, my heart (well, part of it), had gotten misplaced. And so Wade and I struggled to find that place where God wanted us---both broken, both needing each other, and both needing Him. Wade sort of brought me to the end of myself and still does, but in a good way. I love him--and he loves me, and we are thankful for EACH OTHER. And I cannot imagine life without him in it. And Wade knows I am on this journey with him--we are family. We mess up, we sin, we are imperfect, but constantly changing, growing, giving and receiving mercy--and Wade has given me so much more grace and mercy over the years parenting him than I have EVER deserved. It has been amazing to walk Wade through the Bible and who God is, and to see that change who WE BOTH ARE. Still not perfect---far from it, but God is so good and his grace is more than enough to bridge the gaps between our family's stumbling. And what I now sheepishly realize is that Wade DESERVED a family...and not just any family---God made him and had a plan for him from birth! That he would be ours-as imperfect and flawed as we are! We were meant to be home and family for him. He shouldn't have to extend unwavering gratitude bc he now had a mom and dad. EVERY kid should have a mom and dad! It is his right to wake up every day and know that he is loved and we are there for him through highs and lows.

Since starting this process just a few short months ago for Jing Mei, I have seen sweet babies die before their adoptive parents could complete all the adoption paperwork and simply not make it to their child in time to save their life. This time around, FB has made it so "real" to me--kids dying from lack of medical care in other countries--- I have faces to go with it now. Its real!!! And I can't imagine that these kids die without the love of their mom and dad---my mind can drive myself crazy thinking, "Who held them as they drew their last breath, did they feel loved by anyone? Did anyone care for them?" One of the things that angered me and bewildered me at the same time when we adopted Wade was that no one was attached to him. This is not always the case, but in Wade's it was. And too often it is. When we went to his orphanage, his bed was in a room with about 40 other beds. All neat and tidy. It wasn't old or unsanitary--in fact I am quite sure it is more sanitary than my home on any given day;), but he was just a number. I kept looking and searching the faces of the workers and teachers that knew him and was sure I would see someone that would miss him--had loved him. But it was like they didn't even really know him! And he had been there for THREE years!! That ought not be! Wade will need new kidneys at some point---I hope and pray that somehow either Don or I will be a good match for him, only God knows that. But what I do know, is that he has a family that will go to the ends of the earth for him and will be there to comfort him through dialysis, or sickness, and every part of that process. He will NOT go through that alone. He was never intended to go through it alone, of course, because, AGAIN God knew we would be his family. And I am proud to be his mother, in spite of my shortcomings, my sin nature, my impatience, my failures----we are family.

So here we are again. I am a little better prepared this time. I do NOT expect undying gratitude or that Jing Mei will be able to assimilate seamlessly into our family and we will all skip off in the sunset together. Some days will be good, some days will be hard, some days I will fail miserably and beg for forgiveness, and always be thankful that God's mercies are new each day---however undeserving I am. We are NOT picture-perfect. I may have a lot of kids, and we may look really cute walking into church, but we fail daily. And it ain't always pretty at our house. But, we know the race, we know it is endurance and undeserved grace and mercy that gets us though and our prayer is that in our flaws we would STILL somehow be able to point our children toward Christ. And our home is open, and our hearts are open and we pray that something in our story would be used by God to draw others to orphans. You will not regret becoming a parent to the fatherless. You may fall some days or think you aren't equipped--and guess what??? You aren't! But God is. And there are kids waiting. Kids dying. Kids that may live, but still are dying without the knowledge of Christ. They need the body of Christ to step in tangibly, not just monetarily, and not just "oh, I will pray for the orphans"....get on rainbowkids.org or adoptuskids.org or wacap.org or Lifeline and LOOK at these kids--their faces, their stories...they are REAL and one of them could very well be YOUR CHILD. And if you ever want to talk or ask questions of Don or I, don't hesitate. We will be real and we will most likely know any feeling you are struggling with. We had them all. I am telling you, they seem very trivial in light of what Wade means to me as my son, and what I know Jing Mei already means to me and will mean to me.

Thank you to those who have prayed or given us money---know that I am praying that we are able to come alongside some of you (hopefully a lot of you) to adopt.