Today I Choose Joy...and I Don't Have to Understand

For anyone that knows us through Facebook, you are likely aware that Jing Mei chose not to be adopted. I have had a week to let that sink in. And it has been hard---the first few days, it was hard to keep moving. I spent a half day in China on the hotel bathroom floor, Chloe threw up at one point from the stress and shock, and Don struggled with it in his own way. We relied on each other, the prayers of others, and tried not to let the waves of grief take us down. 

On the day before we were to head out, we went to the US Consulate in Guangzhou. This is where you get the immigrant visa for your adopted child to gain entry into the US. It had really been a difficult two weeks with glimpses of happiness from Jing Mei, but more than anything, we dealt with a young teen that was struggling with the idea of leaving all she had ever known.  We had prepared for the types of feelings she was having--and spoke (daily) to many other families that had adopted teens from China that had experienced much of the rollercoaster we were on as well.  We were assured that she would work through those issues, grief, anger, etc. once we were state-side. And honestly, I do believe she would have. But what most everyone did not know, was that she could refuse to go with us at the Consulate.  We had already received our official adoption papers that made us her legal parents in respect to China---so we had just decided to settle in for the long haul and help her gradually adjust to her new world. We have done hard before with Wade's adoption, we were prepared to do it again. And it reminded us of how Wade, had he been old enough to decide, would have definitely chosen NOT to be adopted. Of course, anybody that knows Wade now (three years later), knows what a seamless part of our family he is -- and how happy he is to be here with us and vice versa. So BECAUSE we had already received the adoption papers (that she agreed to and signed) the week before, we truly did not worry about the consulate visit.  I think it shocked a lot of people in the adoption world, but at her age, she had to agree to enter the US. And her answer was no. And it truly broke our hearts.

I have run it all through my head a million times---we know she was given lots of anti-American ideas as I mentioned in our previous post.  One of the last things she told the guide, was that she was sure we wanted her as a slave.  We discussed it at every angle and at length with her---but to no avail.  When we flew her back to her province---it was emotional for so many people. Our guide who had spent countless hours trying to convince her to go, cried as we left. The assistant director of her orphanage cried and explained to us that her future would likely not be good (life outside the orphanage) because of her hands.  A thing that is sort of incomprehensible here, but a very real stigma in China.  The officers at the consulate were emotional. There weren't a whole lot of people that were not affected by this. 

But God knew when we were fundraising. He knew when our hearts were first tugged on by her file. He knew when we flew over there. He knew! And there is peace in that. And that has been the rock I have clung tightly to this past week. Every day, I breathed a little easier because of this truth.  We might NEVER understand why it happened the way it did. Why we raced to bring home a young girl only to have her reject us in the end.  I don't understand it. But I don't have to.

I want to thank everyone who prayed for us, cried with us, watched our children, our dog, brought us food, gave money---the body of Christ has poured out love on us throughout this journey.

God will use this.

One thing I DO want to be adamant about is this---ADOPTION is good! It is a ministry, it is a mission-field. And we are called to it! We don't just throw in the towel because it is hard, or breaks our hearts, or we don't get the undying affection of the child we are adopting.

In James, it says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance, And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  BOTTOM LINE: This was and is a trial for our family. Painfully out of our control, but totally within the realm and sovereignty of God. And it ABSOLUTELY tested my faith. It brought me to my knees---well, more like fetal position;) And I had to count it as joy---I have to count it as joy. Why? Because God's Word says to. And the result??? To create endurance in me---that leads to being made perfect and complete lacking in nothing. Isn't that why we are even here in the first place??

Most of the New Testament believers endured trials we cannot fathom for spreading the good news about Christ. They did not choose to abandon what God had called them to simply because their efforts didn't produce the immediate fruit they would have hoped for. They did not question or doubt that God had called them to ministry every time their efforts appeared to be a colossal fail to the human eyes. (Well, maybe they warred a little in their Spirit with doubt--but those are the times we run to God and His Word for wisdom and strength). Read the rest of James 1 if you get a chance--God gives the wisdom we need to get through these trials. He FULLY equips us to handle the hurts if we can just rely on Him. So here we are, shaken, but not deterred. And we are humbled by God's soveignty---and frankly we are thankful for it. Because to rewrite this would be to say that our plan is better than God's. And that is not a road I want to be on. No thank you. God, you write this story---because you are the only One that can see what You see---the things that we can never see in our flawed, limited, imperfect selves. (1000 Gifts-Ann Voskamp)

I will not doubt you, Lord. Hallelujah!!

We still care for orphans...because we are called to. We have this burning desire placed by God to expand our family through adoption. And we meet Tuesday with our social worker to update our homestudy. China has graciously offered to match us quickly with another child.  We are changing our age-range. Don and I both felt a peace and confirmation from God about that. While we know we could parent an older child and deal with all the things that go along with older child adoption, we don't want to head out to China again for an older child that could potentially back out once we get there. We are requesting an age-range of 2-6 years old and are pretty wide open to special needs.  I would never have looked that young before this---again, God's sovereignty. He knows the outcome and the child that DOES or DOES NOT belong in our family. We step out in faith---God does the rest. As he chooses-not as we choose. Again, He writes the story.

Brittany's Hope has saved our grant for us. Which is amazing.

If God wills, I will head out in 2-3 months for our child. Please keep us in your prayers and KNOW that adoption is so good.  God is in adoption---from start to finish (sometimes, heartbreaking finish).

I would LOVE for anyone to post comments about their own adoption journey. Particularly OLDER
child adoptions. This is for those who read this and would doubt---honestly, what happened to us is NOT typical. Teens get adopted from China and make it home and truly become part of their new family. I do believe it is harder than younger child adoptions---but so worth it. Lives are changed---both the teen that is adopted, and the parents who adopt them. PLEASE if you are the parent of an older adopted child---share the positives through comment. This blog has been widely read and I want to make sure we do the older adoptions justice.


THIS is adoption!



God Bless---He is SO GOOD!! He writes the story from a viewpoint we cannot see or fathom.

Nat

Moment by Moment

Where to start...so much has transpired over the last few days that it is hard for my tired brain to organize it into something that makes sense to others. So forgive me if I ramble...I am worn. And yet I feel strength and boldness coursing through my spirit as I have read and reread the words I scrawled out on a now worn piece of paper--Psalm 138:3 "On the day I called, You answered me. You made me bold with strength in my soul."  I have memorized Scripture and clung to its words for dear life. I am learning the meaning of praying without ceasing...I believe for the first time in my life. And I have felt the prayers of many, many faithful brothers and sisters in Christ lifting us up, lifting Jing Mei up.

So once we arrived in Guangzhou--we settled into the China Hotel--a very well known hotel for foreign adoptions. Jing Mei was bubbly the night we arrived--she had smiled and been a nervous, giddy little girl on her first plane flight. She bounced around the lobby, looking at everything. Maybe a little hyper---she does not strike me as typically hyper, so I think some of this was nervousness.  We checked into the room. One room--two beds. I asked her if she would like to share a bed with me, or with Chloe. She said me. So we settled in for the night. And welcomed the sweet rest.




But again, the night brings uncertainty, fear, and anger for Jing Mei and she woke up angry and sullen. Fortunately, God is so gracious--because we were truly at a breaking point---and we were blessed to be able to meet up with Hunter Mueller. It was wonderful to have a diversion from the gravity of everything that we were dealing with. We met Hunter in the lobby and were able to hand deliver his diploma to him and give him some things from his family back in Chattanooga. Also, we had to pick on him for possibly having the worst taste in candy EVER!! Seriously, he might be the first person I know of that actually likes Good and Plenty candy! I was like, "Out of all the candy from America that someone could send you--you chose Good and Plenty's?" He tried to speak to Jing Mei in Chinese at breakfast, but she was in a mood and not about to give any of us a response.  We then met the guide and were going to walk to a park, but realized Jing Mei was not about to go. We are realizing that she is embarrassed by us. We look different than everyone and when we go out, she seriously wants to get as far away from us as she can...lol.  We have decided to laugh and accept the rejection...if you don't laugh...it will get too hard.

We walked to the hotel room, and our guide sat on the floor and we had a heart to heart---not the kind where you turn a corner and everything turns rosy...but the kind where you begin to see where the other person is coming from. She began to share with the guide all that she had learned about America. And it brought about some pretty in-depth discussions. I mean, my adoption training had prepared me for lots of scenarios, but never that I would be discussing history, current events, and the racial tensions in America and across the world with my newly adopted daughter---in the hotel room in China and with a guide translating it all! She said she knew "we" hated blacks and shoot them and she said she knew our government was invading privacy and shooting and killing people based on what they found. So here we are, with our Chinese guide and our Chinese daughter--trying to explain that indeed, we do NOT shoot and kill black people. We have friends that are black and our government does not invade our privacy and kill us if they don't like what they see...it was really funny once you could back away from it.

She relaxed as the night went on and giggled and smiled and it was nice. But then the morning...seriously, it is like "Groundhog Day" movie where Bill Murray keeps having to repeat the same stinkin' day---she wakes up and any progress we made the day before seems lost. She is angry and sullen again and I would swear if I didn't have pictures of her smiling in the evenings, I would not believe it actually happened! So off we went after a quiet, sullen breakfast, to the medical exam office. It has five stations that she has to go through and it has to be done to be able to leave China for the US. She told our guide on the way there that she "hoped she had a fatal disease" and it was hard for him and us to keep a straight face! Bless her...I really just want to draw her close and hug her...but not yet...still working on earning that trust;)



She was sullen at the medical office and it was packed with all these families adopting precious little ones. No one else had an older child---which I hated for her bc I think if she could see just one older child being adopted, it would help. At one point, we were all worried she might not even finish the exam---I paced and held on to the Scriptures and thanked the Lord for the blessings and gifts and for this hard journey that is pulling me so close to him! And I repeated and prayed the words that I now say every time we leave the hotel room--Psalm 125:2 "As the mountains, surround Jerusalem, so you Lord surround Your people from this day forth and forever."...and I know and am comforted that God surrounds us and protects us---and sees us and guides and orchestrates everything---right here in this medical office in China.

We FINALLY finish the exam, breathe a sigh of relief that she agreed and head back to the hotel. We are slowly establishing trust---and I am thankful and grateful to God, the Father for this.  Just days before--she had gone through our bags and pulled out our adoption paper that is the legal copy that proves we are her parents. She hid it, bless her heart. And we had no clue. It is an important paper--in fact we HAVE to have it to leave the country! She felt so guilty about it, that she told the guide over the phone. She was worried we would be mad at her-we assured her we were not--and she sheepishly handed it back to me (all wrinkled and folded). We tried to look serious then, but we laughed later and thought---this will be a story to remember and recount in years to come. A story she can tell her children--our grandchildren! We are also VERY lucky she did not rip the thing up-we would have been in a pickle if she had!

Another time---I can't remember which day---she told us she hoped the plane crashed in the ocean on the way to the States. Again, it is so hard not to laugh because you know she is angry and scared and lashing out-- and it will be okay in the end, but she can't see that---and you can't tell her that...all you can do is live and be Christ to her and wait patiently for what the Lord is doing.

I have laughed. I have cried--sobbed might be the better word. I have wanted to crawl to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry out. I remember doing that when we adopted Wade. These older child adoptions are HARD!!! She calls our first guide nightly and talks with her for a good hour every night. After she talks with her---I talk with the guide. And the guide shares what Jing Mei tells her. Jing Mei knows she is sharing it---it has become our nightly routine and I know that the more she talks--the more she can process what is happening. Put words to her grief. It is important. She does not like to leave the hotel with us. We found out tonight that she is embarrassed about how we look. She doesn't understand why we wear just shorts and tshirts---I am like, "because it is 80 degrees and I am sweating!", but truly, there is a cultural difference and literally we are walking past the Chinese people and they are wearing jackets and pants!

Chloe has witnessed a lot over the past few days and she is a strong girl, naturally, so I neglected to really make sure she was okay. She was not. She had an emotional breakdown herself last night. She sobbed. And I held her--this girl of mine that is now as tall as me. We prayed. And I reminded her of how hard it had been with Wade at first. And how much Wade disliked Donovan at first...how hard it was for Donovan to feel so rejected by Wade---but that God was faithful, and they are close brothers and friends now. God was faithful then---he will be faithful now.  His words ring true---he does not forsake us. Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will accomplish what concerns me. Your lovingkindness, Oh Lord, is everlasting. Do not forsake the works of Your Hands."

So, here we are...she has been smiling and happy tonight---but we will most likely be at ground zero in the morning. Its ok---God is with us. Please continue to pray.

Here is a verse that seems so appropriate and comforting to me in this:

Psalm 126:5-6 "And he who sows in tears, shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, will come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

I look forward to that day.

Update--need prayers for tomorrow

We have had a calm afternoon...I would not say the waves of grief are over...we are just in between them;)  The day before going to the orphanage, I began to get a sense of dread in my gut. I wrestled with not going at all, honestly. I am not sure if it was wise, since she had already said goodbyes, to take her back--when the wound is so fresh and gaping still. But, the reasons that parents choose to go are to give the children a greater sense of closure---that their new parents have seen where they spent their lives and so build common ground. Later, when they talk about their friends, or teachers, or their life at their orphanage...it is something that you have at least seen.  And I totally get that---but my gut felt that it was going to ignite something. And it did...I know it had to happen at some point. Honestly, if she didn't grieve at all, that might be something different to worry about.

So the drive was an hour-and-a-half to the orphanage.  She laid her head down the entire time and scooted as far away from all of us as she could. I would pat her back every once in awhile just to remind her that we were "for" her, but she would tense at each pat. So Don told me to stop...lol. Which was wise (he's better with teens than I am;)

As soon as we got to the orphanage, she was out the door of the van and crying. There were several nannies at the door and a few children. She cried and hugged them and then continued into the orphanage, up the stairs and down the hall. Don and Chloe and our guide were talking to the nannies and director, but I was trying my best to stick with Jing Mei...I was very nervous about where her frame of mind was. She went to her room...a tiny room with two twin beds and closets. She tried to shut the door as I was coming in and motioned that she did not want me in there. I said, please, and she laid on her bed and sobbed. I sat on the other bed and reached over to pat her...how I wanted to hug her, but I was so afraid to! Even the pats aren't well received:( The director came in, along with some of the kids and nannies and they motioned for me to sit on the bed beside Jing Mei. They talked with her and she sobbed and spoke very emotionally. I don't know what she said, but I am sure it was that she did not want to leave. It. was. heartbreaking.

They finally got Jing Mei up off the bed and took her out of the room. They then took us to a meeting room and we waited. The director was very kind and they had lots of questions about how in the world I school all of my children. How can I have such a large family? It is very strange to them that anyone would want the number of children we have...lol. She was very kind and you could tell they really loved the children at the orphanage.  They finally told us that we were going to go eat at a restaurant together--I think that was the only way they could get Jing Mei to leave:( So we walked a block to a restaurant (the director, assistant director, and a teacher, Jing Mei, and us). She would not eat anything, even at the coaxing of the director. She laid her head down and I have to say that it was probably the most painful, long meal I have ever endured.  They said they did not think it would be a good idea to walk back to the orphanage. They were going to have our driver pick us up from the restaurant. We agreed.  The driver came and we spent the next 10 minutes trying to get Jing Mei to stop grabbing the street pole for dear life:( It. was. hard. I imagined myself at that age...all that must be going through her mind...the future doesn't matter...you live in the moment at that age. And she wanted to go back to what she knew! And I get it...

The drive home was long and no one spoke. We let her cry and grieve. And she did. When we got to the hotel...she got out and for a brief moment, we were unsure if she would go in. The guide walked up with us.  She laid in the bed and cried and it was heartbreaking. Honestly, the day was filled with a lot of turmoil and we were at the point of breaking down. I am thankful Don was here because I could not have done this without him. At one point, she ran...and I had to show papers that could prove we were her parents. God knew beforehand that I could not do this alone...and the thought of navigating this without Don...He has been the rock. He makes her laugh in the good moments (we have them, though they are not as many as we'd like), and he calms the stormy moments and communicates with her more effectively than me. While we are all in the trenches---he is in the front-lines. I have been able to step away and pray and read my Bible and sleep ---Don has not been able to step away much. Please lift him up in prayer---that God would continue to give him the strength to step in and navigate through all this for our family.

We have had some emotional talks with our guide--Jing Mei has talked for hours on the phone with our guide. And we discovered some of the root of her reactions toward the adoption. She was told by someone at the orphanage (an adult) that Americans do not like Asians and they mistreat them. Also, that they hurt their children, and that once you are 18, they put you out on your own. We have spent a good bit of time trying to convince her that this is not true, but the damage has been done.  We have relayed this to our case worker who is in contact with the orphanage director and hopefully, this is something that can be addressed for future adoptions.  We did find out that her friend that she wanted to be adopted, has a family coming for her in the next month. As I mentioned before, this orphanage has just opened its doors to international adoption, so many of these kids are in the process of being adopted and don't even know it yet. The good news is that we are going to be put in contact with the parents that are adopting her friend. And we will be able to get them together through Skype:)

So this is hard. Incredibly hard. For her, for us...and only God can heal it. We need prayers---there is no quick fix for this. Just faithful, steady walk and leaning on His Spirit moment by moment.

We fly to Guangzhou tomorrow. And even though she is calm right now--I have no idea what tomorrow holds. We know that we could expect anything at the airport. We need prayers that she doesn't melt down there. That the people around us will be understanding if she does. 

The truth is that even though this is a good thing for her...her opportunities for life with her hands missing part of the palm and all her fingers are limited in China. A support system that comes through family in her adult years, higher education, so much-the most important being that she will know who Christ is (I still remember sharing that for the first time with Wade---he had never heard of Jesus)...but right now that doesn't mean a hill of beans to her. And I am sure it wouldn't to me either.

I am thankful for my Chinese adoption support groups on FB. If not for them, I might be in the depths of despair right now. When I have shared these things with them, they have shared similar stories of their own children. And they have also shared that life gets better when you get to the States. The kids do settle in...and a sense of family and belonging does finally come.

Here is what I do know. She has a great heart--she is a good kid. She is just terrified. She has not wanted to leave the hotel. So we get take-out for her. Don and Chloe left earlier to get pizza and the doorbell rang. The hotel was delivering her food. I brought the tray of food to her and she was bothered that I wasn't eating. She motioned for me to eat and even made me a plate. Her heart is sooo kind and thoughtful! Even when she is terrified of everything around her! That she would even care that I wasn't eating was touching.

This evening, we have heard the girls giggling a lot while watching Chinese TV. She has seemed relaxed. But there is something about the night that settles fear and loneliness back into her.

We asked the guide to call and talk with her on the phone before we head out to the airport. I think she will need that again. Please pray we just get through tomorrow and to Guangzhou.

Guangzhou will have many other adoptive families with their Chinese children. I think it will get better there. 

Pray for Jing Mei...for peace and that her fears would be calmed. Pray for Don, Chloe, and I...that we would have wisdom in how we respond, strength in the storm.