Update--need prayers for tomorrow

We have had a calm afternoon...I would not say the waves of grief are over...we are just in between them;)  The day before going to the orphanage, I began to get a sense of dread in my gut. I wrestled with not going at all, honestly. I am not sure if it was wise, since she had already said goodbyes, to take her back--when the wound is so fresh and gaping still. But, the reasons that parents choose to go are to give the children a greater sense of closure---that their new parents have seen where they spent their lives and so build common ground. Later, when they talk about their friends, or teachers, or their life at their orphanage...it is something that you have at least seen.  And I totally get that---but my gut felt that it was going to ignite something. And it did...I know it had to happen at some point. Honestly, if she didn't grieve at all, that might be something different to worry about.

So the drive was an hour-and-a-half to the orphanage.  She laid her head down the entire time and scooted as far away from all of us as she could. I would pat her back every once in awhile just to remind her that we were "for" her, but she would tense at each pat. So Don told me to stop...lol. Which was wise (he's better with teens than I am;)

As soon as we got to the orphanage, she was out the door of the van and crying. There were several nannies at the door and a few children. She cried and hugged them and then continued into the orphanage, up the stairs and down the hall. Don and Chloe and our guide were talking to the nannies and director, but I was trying my best to stick with Jing Mei...I was very nervous about where her frame of mind was. She went to her room...a tiny room with two twin beds and closets. She tried to shut the door as I was coming in and motioned that she did not want me in there. I said, please, and she laid on her bed and sobbed. I sat on the other bed and reached over to pat her...how I wanted to hug her, but I was so afraid to! Even the pats aren't well received:( The director came in, along with some of the kids and nannies and they motioned for me to sit on the bed beside Jing Mei. They talked with her and she sobbed and spoke very emotionally. I don't know what she said, but I am sure it was that she did not want to leave. It. was. heartbreaking.

They finally got Jing Mei up off the bed and took her out of the room. They then took us to a meeting room and we waited. The director was very kind and they had lots of questions about how in the world I school all of my children. How can I have such a large family? It is very strange to them that anyone would want the number of children we have...lol. She was very kind and you could tell they really loved the children at the orphanage.  They finally told us that we were going to go eat at a restaurant together--I think that was the only way they could get Jing Mei to leave:( So we walked a block to a restaurant (the director, assistant director, and a teacher, Jing Mei, and us). She would not eat anything, even at the coaxing of the director. She laid her head down and I have to say that it was probably the most painful, long meal I have ever endured.  They said they did not think it would be a good idea to walk back to the orphanage. They were going to have our driver pick us up from the restaurant. We agreed.  The driver came and we spent the next 10 minutes trying to get Jing Mei to stop grabbing the street pole for dear life:( It. was. hard. I imagined myself at that age...all that must be going through her mind...the future doesn't matter...you live in the moment at that age. And she wanted to go back to what she knew! And I get it...

The drive home was long and no one spoke. We let her cry and grieve. And she did. When we got to the hotel...she got out and for a brief moment, we were unsure if she would go in. The guide walked up with us.  She laid in the bed and cried and it was heartbreaking. Honestly, the day was filled with a lot of turmoil and we were at the point of breaking down. I am thankful Don was here because I could not have done this without him. At one point, she ran...and I had to show papers that could prove we were her parents. God knew beforehand that I could not do this alone...and the thought of navigating this without Don...He has been the rock. He makes her laugh in the good moments (we have them, though they are not as many as we'd like), and he calms the stormy moments and communicates with her more effectively than me. While we are all in the trenches---he is in the front-lines. I have been able to step away and pray and read my Bible and sleep ---Don has not been able to step away much. Please lift him up in prayer---that God would continue to give him the strength to step in and navigate through all this for our family.

We have had some emotional talks with our guide--Jing Mei has talked for hours on the phone with our guide. And we discovered some of the root of her reactions toward the adoption. She was told by someone at the orphanage (an adult) that Americans do not like Asians and they mistreat them. Also, that they hurt their children, and that once you are 18, they put you out on your own. We have spent a good bit of time trying to convince her that this is not true, but the damage has been done.  We have relayed this to our case worker who is in contact with the orphanage director and hopefully, this is something that can be addressed for future adoptions.  We did find out that her friend that she wanted to be adopted, has a family coming for her in the next month. As I mentioned before, this orphanage has just opened its doors to international adoption, so many of these kids are in the process of being adopted and don't even know it yet. The good news is that we are going to be put in contact with the parents that are adopting her friend. And we will be able to get them together through Skype:)

So this is hard. Incredibly hard. For her, for us...and only God can heal it. We need prayers---there is no quick fix for this. Just faithful, steady walk and leaning on His Spirit moment by moment.

We fly to Guangzhou tomorrow. And even though she is calm right now--I have no idea what tomorrow holds. We know that we could expect anything at the airport. We need prayers that she doesn't melt down there. That the people around us will be understanding if she does. 

The truth is that even though this is a good thing for her...her opportunities for life with her hands missing part of the palm and all her fingers are limited in China. A support system that comes through family in her adult years, higher education, so much-the most important being that she will know who Christ is (I still remember sharing that for the first time with Wade---he had never heard of Jesus)...but right now that doesn't mean a hill of beans to her. And I am sure it wouldn't to me either.

I am thankful for my Chinese adoption support groups on FB. If not for them, I might be in the depths of despair right now. When I have shared these things with them, they have shared similar stories of their own children. And they have also shared that life gets better when you get to the States. The kids do settle in...and a sense of family and belonging does finally come.

Here is what I do know. She has a great heart--she is a good kid. She is just terrified. She has not wanted to leave the hotel. So we get take-out for her. Don and Chloe left earlier to get pizza and the doorbell rang. The hotel was delivering her food. I brought the tray of food to her and she was bothered that I wasn't eating. She motioned for me to eat and even made me a plate. Her heart is sooo kind and thoughtful! Even when she is terrified of everything around her! That she would even care that I wasn't eating was touching.

This evening, we have heard the girls giggling a lot while watching Chinese TV. She has seemed relaxed. But there is something about the night that settles fear and loneliness back into her.

We asked the guide to call and talk with her on the phone before we head out to the airport. I think she will need that again. Please pray we just get through tomorrow and to Guangzhou.

Guangzhou will have many other adoptive families with their Chinese children. I think it will get better there. 

Pray for Jing Mei...for peace and that her fears would be calmed. Pray for Don, Chloe, and I...that we would have wisdom in how we respond, strength in the storm.