Moment by Moment

Where to start...so much has transpired over the last few days that it is hard for my tired brain to organize it into something that makes sense to others. So forgive me if I ramble...I am worn. And yet I feel strength and boldness coursing through my spirit as I have read and reread the words I scrawled out on a now worn piece of paper--Psalm 138:3 "On the day I called, You answered me. You made me bold with strength in my soul."  I have memorized Scripture and clung to its words for dear life. I am learning the meaning of praying without ceasing...I believe for the first time in my life. And I have felt the prayers of many, many faithful brothers and sisters in Christ lifting us up, lifting Jing Mei up.

So once we arrived in Guangzhou--we settled into the China Hotel--a very well known hotel for foreign adoptions. Jing Mei was bubbly the night we arrived--she had smiled and been a nervous, giddy little girl on her first plane flight. She bounced around the lobby, looking at everything. Maybe a little hyper---she does not strike me as typically hyper, so I think some of this was nervousness.  We checked into the room. One room--two beds. I asked her if she would like to share a bed with me, or with Chloe. She said me. So we settled in for the night. And welcomed the sweet rest.




But again, the night brings uncertainty, fear, and anger for Jing Mei and she woke up angry and sullen. Fortunately, God is so gracious--because we were truly at a breaking point---and we were blessed to be able to meet up with Hunter Mueller. It was wonderful to have a diversion from the gravity of everything that we were dealing with. We met Hunter in the lobby and were able to hand deliver his diploma to him and give him some things from his family back in Chattanooga. Also, we had to pick on him for possibly having the worst taste in candy EVER!! Seriously, he might be the first person I know of that actually likes Good and Plenty candy! I was like, "Out of all the candy from America that someone could send you--you chose Good and Plenty's?" He tried to speak to Jing Mei in Chinese at breakfast, but she was in a mood and not about to give any of us a response.  We then met the guide and were going to walk to a park, but realized Jing Mei was not about to go. We are realizing that she is embarrassed by us. We look different than everyone and when we go out, she seriously wants to get as far away from us as she can...lol.  We have decided to laugh and accept the rejection...if you don't laugh...it will get too hard.

We walked to the hotel room, and our guide sat on the floor and we had a heart to heart---not the kind where you turn a corner and everything turns rosy...but the kind where you begin to see where the other person is coming from. She began to share with the guide all that she had learned about America. And it brought about some pretty in-depth discussions. I mean, my adoption training had prepared me for lots of scenarios, but never that I would be discussing history, current events, and the racial tensions in America and across the world with my newly adopted daughter---in the hotel room in China and with a guide translating it all! She said she knew "we" hated blacks and shoot them and she said she knew our government was invading privacy and shooting and killing people based on what they found. So here we are, with our Chinese guide and our Chinese daughter--trying to explain that indeed, we do NOT shoot and kill black people. We have friends that are black and our government does not invade our privacy and kill us if they don't like what they see...it was really funny once you could back away from it.

She relaxed as the night went on and giggled and smiled and it was nice. But then the morning...seriously, it is like "Groundhog Day" movie where Bill Murray keeps having to repeat the same stinkin' day---she wakes up and any progress we made the day before seems lost. She is angry and sullen again and I would swear if I didn't have pictures of her smiling in the evenings, I would not believe it actually happened! So off we went after a quiet, sullen breakfast, to the medical exam office. It has five stations that she has to go through and it has to be done to be able to leave China for the US. She told our guide on the way there that she "hoped she had a fatal disease" and it was hard for him and us to keep a straight face! Bless her...I really just want to draw her close and hug her...but not yet...still working on earning that trust;)



She was sullen at the medical office and it was packed with all these families adopting precious little ones. No one else had an older child---which I hated for her bc I think if she could see just one older child being adopted, it would help. At one point, we were all worried she might not even finish the exam---I paced and held on to the Scriptures and thanked the Lord for the blessings and gifts and for this hard journey that is pulling me so close to him! And I repeated and prayed the words that I now say every time we leave the hotel room--Psalm 125:2 "As the mountains, surround Jerusalem, so you Lord surround Your people from this day forth and forever."...and I know and am comforted that God surrounds us and protects us---and sees us and guides and orchestrates everything---right here in this medical office in China.

We FINALLY finish the exam, breathe a sigh of relief that she agreed and head back to the hotel. We are slowly establishing trust---and I am thankful and grateful to God, the Father for this.  Just days before--she had gone through our bags and pulled out our adoption paper that is the legal copy that proves we are her parents. She hid it, bless her heart. And we had no clue. It is an important paper--in fact we HAVE to have it to leave the country! She felt so guilty about it, that she told the guide over the phone. She was worried we would be mad at her-we assured her we were not--and she sheepishly handed it back to me (all wrinkled and folded). We tried to look serious then, but we laughed later and thought---this will be a story to remember and recount in years to come. A story she can tell her children--our grandchildren! We are also VERY lucky she did not rip the thing up-we would have been in a pickle if she had!

Another time---I can't remember which day---she told us she hoped the plane crashed in the ocean on the way to the States. Again, it is so hard not to laugh because you know she is angry and scared and lashing out-- and it will be okay in the end, but she can't see that---and you can't tell her that...all you can do is live and be Christ to her and wait patiently for what the Lord is doing.

I have laughed. I have cried--sobbed might be the better word. I have wanted to crawl to the bathroom and lay on the floor and cry out. I remember doing that when we adopted Wade. These older child adoptions are HARD!!! She calls our first guide nightly and talks with her for a good hour every night. After she talks with her---I talk with the guide. And the guide shares what Jing Mei tells her. Jing Mei knows she is sharing it---it has become our nightly routine and I know that the more she talks--the more she can process what is happening. Put words to her grief. It is important. She does not like to leave the hotel with us. We found out tonight that she is embarrassed about how we look. She doesn't understand why we wear just shorts and tshirts---I am like, "because it is 80 degrees and I am sweating!", but truly, there is a cultural difference and literally we are walking past the Chinese people and they are wearing jackets and pants!

Chloe has witnessed a lot over the past few days and she is a strong girl, naturally, so I neglected to really make sure she was okay. She was not. She had an emotional breakdown herself last night. She sobbed. And I held her--this girl of mine that is now as tall as me. We prayed. And I reminded her of how hard it had been with Wade at first. And how much Wade disliked Donovan at first...how hard it was for Donovan to feel so rejected by Wade---but that God was faithful, and they are close brothers and friends now. God was faithful then---he will be faithful now.  His words ring true---he does not forsake us. Psalm 138:8 "The Lord will accomplish what concerns me. Your lovingkindness, Oh Lord, is everlasting. Do not forsake the works of Your Hands."

So, here we are...she has been smiling and happy tonight---but we will most likely be at ground zero in the morning. Its ok---God is with us. Please continue to pray.

Here is a verse that seems so appropriate and comforting to me in this:

Psalm 126:5-6 "And he who sows in tears, shall reap with joyful shouting. He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed, will come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him."

I look forward to that day.